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Those Canadians And Their Flashlights

Reported By: trademark Published: November 6, 2009

Those Canadians And Their Flashlights

Via: Anon from the Submission Page

So, remember dear readers: all Canadians are innocuous.

-The Paper Boy

Tags: canada, flashlight, police, suspicous

Slow News Day | trademark

35 Comments

By Wingman, November 6, 2009 @ 07:58

I keep seeing these things on this site but I’ve never seen anything like them in UK newspapers. Do newspapers in the USA always publish the banal doings of the local police?
By Michael Levitt, November 6, 2009 @ 08:43

Watch out, this flashlight thing is contagious.

My wife is Canadian, but her mom is American. Her mom is always milling around at night with a flashlight.

Not sure if there’s immunizations to prevent Americans from coming down with “Canadian-like” symptoms, but if you start craving poutine, and know the words to the Canadian National Anthem verbatim, seek medical advise immediately.
By Ronnie, November 6, 2009 @ 09:03

Oh, those Canadians are just too funny, eh?
By Zina, November 6, 2009 @ 09:46

Not suspicious, merely Canadian! I love this one.
By Relyt22, November 6, 2009 @ 12:58

In the US, there’s what is called a “Slow news day” (Also a section on this blog). When there’s not much going on, but plenty of space to fill in the newspaper, they just look for some random crap involving the police to publish somewhere, or accept some cutesy little story about a dog that can skateboard or something.
By RUndle, November 6, 2009 @ 13:01

Merely! That’s the part that kills me.
By Fabulus, November 6, 2009 @ 14:44

funny how everyone makes fun of the country that supplies them with all there natural resources. Americans would be S.O.L with out those “merely Canadians”.
By Jon, November 6, 2009 @ 15:10

Am I the only one thinking their being Canadian makes them MORE suspicious? I mean really … Canada is up to something, it’s entirely too quiet up there …
By Misterehmuseseh, November 6, 2009 @ 15:14

I want to post this news item on my Facebook but want the original reference. Otherwise I just assume it is pure fiction eh.
So where did you get it “Anon”?
One of the innocuous ones.
Innocuous (harmles) as doves …. as wise (shrewd)as serpents.
And one of the sheep among wolves.
Especially as a Canajun among Americans
By Tor, November 6, 2009 @ 15:21

I agree with Jon. And wth could they be doing with their flashilights that could be suspicious??????? That’s the part that gets ME.

Also, Americans can, apparently, make news out of anything. It’s rather pathetic sometimes…..
By Gladiator763, November 6, 2009 @ 16:18

@Wingman: Yes. They are called “crime blotters” or “police blotters”.
By Bernard Strauss, November 6, 2009 @ 17:10

“‘Hey! Someone’s robbing a bank!’
‘It’s ok. They’re Canadian’”
By wig, November 6, 2009 @ 20:26

I happen to be one of these laughably un-sinister Canadians, and my mother never let me play with flashlights, because it wasted the batteries. Maybe these folks had the same experience and were busting loose in their quaint canuck way.
By cAnadA, November 7, 2009 @ 00:16

how, umm, quaint. I agree with wig, last Feb during a blizzard we had someone “break into” our house in the middle of the night…more correctly-someone ditched their car and he was more scared of the dogs than me when the door floated open when he tried to knock. Profusely apologised, scared to pull the door shut in case a dog grabbed his arm. Invited him in to call a tow truck and have a smoke. He said he had a buddy outside and came to the door by himself so it wouldn’t scare anyone…my hubby didn’t even get out of bed…
made coffee, etc, yes we do this in Canada..
Thank goodness he wasn’t armed with a flashlight. My hubby is a retired prison guard…could have been a laser battle, or somthing…
This is news?
By Ian, November 7, 2009 @ 08:26

Growing up in Buffalo, NY, I was warned to keep a wary eye on Canadians. You never knew when they would sneak over the border. Next thing you know they’re populating our malls, buying their beer at our liquor stores, keeping our local economy alive, taking roster spots from American hockey players and possibly stealing our football team.
Crime blotters are big news in the U.S. They’re typically among the most visited features of American news Web sites. And they can be really funny.
By Nav, November 7, 2009 @ 19:06

We can’t help it! Darn us Canadians!
By Canadian Beerer, November 9, 2009 @ 17:03

@Ian
No Canadian would sneak into America to buy beer at your liquor stores! Canadians love beer, and it’s in no short supply in Canada.

Your malls/football though… you’ve got us there!
By Mo, November 13, 2009 @ 09:50

Another reason that Canadians would never buy beer from an American liqour store is because American beer is only fit for the sick and the elderly since it has only scant traces of alchohol and disgusting lime flavouring (i.e.: Bud Lite Lime) Ack!
By Kyle Cease, November 13, 2009 @ 12:06

This is the best one I’ve ever seen.
By TruNorth, November 13, 2009 @ 13:49

Actually, American beer is more like having sex in a canoe, it’s fucking close to water.

*couldn’t resist*
By RodeKill, November 14, 2009 @ 12:37

The police blotter is routinely published to remind all citizens the police work for the taxpayers and what they do is a public act for which they are answerable to the citizens. It’s the first line defense against a police state.
By Tada, November 19, 2009 @ 14:25

This was actually published, in early Feb 2009, in the Custer County Chronicle in S. Dakota. It caught the attention of the Late Night staff ad Letterman cited it on his 2/11/09 show.

I guess people there are flashlight shy ever since some people reported some suspicious activity there in 1876 ‘but they were merely Indians’…
By Agent Doug, November 22, 2009 @ 18:20

There is no Canadian conspiracy.
By UpNorthGirl, December 1, 2009 @ 15:43

Canadians too quiet… You think that because stuff like this is published in your news rather than anything else about the world.
By heather, December 3, 2009 @ 07:04

Years ago my husband (a Canadian) and I were on our way to his folks’ house on Christmas day when we were caught in a blinding snowstorm and went off the road. There was no one else on the road for several hours and we were forced to seek shelter. We found a house, knocked politely, and when no one answered, kicked the door in (I swear it was the Canadian’s idea!). Anyway, when we got inside, we called the local police, who were closed, due to snow (have you EVER heard of that?). We called another police station, further away, who laughed when we asked for help. They absolutely refused to go out in the storm, but did kindly locate the homeowners who phoned us right back (which left us with the dilemma of whether you answer the phone when you’ve broken into a house!). Typically Canadian, they offered us the beer in the fridge first, then told us to help ourselves to whatever food, beds, etc. we needed and told us to make ourselves at home since they couldn’t be there to host!

And on another note, Canadians cross the borders regularly for alcohol – even weak, watery beer such as we offer since the taxes on beer in Ontario are unbearably high. We cross on a ferry where the foot traffic of folks with hand-trucks full of beer are very common!
By andycanuck, December 3, 2009 @ 10:33

The Canadian Conspiracy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b04RzmSJyJE
By Nanashi, December 4, 2009 @ 18:10

Yes. Yes we are. An apprently, we are forgiven for all things involving flashlights…*runs out of the room so she can burst out laughing*
By TheUltamate, December 16, 2009 @ 21:02

We should launch a counterattack. Clearly the Canadians are attempting to assert themselves as the dominant flashlight power.
By Robert, December 30, 2009 @ 19:45

Yeah this is actually quite bullshit! I just had the cops called on me because I was on my porch shining a flashlight looking for my cats and no I’m not Canadian!

It’s a sad fucking world we live in where ppl can’t mind their own fucking business and proceed to call the cops on someone using a flashlight in their own yard!

I’ve lost all hope for humanity and this right here just tips it over the scale! And to whoever called the law… go fuck urself u worthless piece of shit!
By a guy with laptop YAY, January 15, 2010 @ 18:25

Am I sick?
No I’m just Canadian.
By Tiffany, January 16, 2010 @ 14:02

Us canadains and our flashlights ! We’re so silly, eh ?

And I think you get all your beer back from the 19-year-olds who come over to drink ours all weekend, every weekend.

So does this mean that because I’m Canadian I can just ride my polar bear into the US and do whatever I want without more punishment then getting sent back to my Igloo ?

hmmmm……
By Kal, January 22, 2010 @ 01:02

Robert: if you were shining a flashlight around on your porch/around your house, you should be thankful someone had the decency to call the cops – it could easily have been someone looking to break in, vandalize, or what-have-you, so really, whoever called was just looking out for you.

On the other hand, walking along the side of the road…that’s a head scratcher!
By Rod, January 23, 2010 @ 17:36

Kal… for half the year it gets dark at 430 PM and light again at about 800 AM. If my wife and I want to go for an evening walk we take a flashlight… I even have one with a red light as well as a white light.
By ThatCanadianguy, January 28, 2010 @ 11:25

Face it people:
Canada has better beer then you